Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize