If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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