I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
