Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
