I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
