Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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