Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You ruined the universe
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
