So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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