I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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