there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
