I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize