We're facebook friends in real life
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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