she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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