Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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