I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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