Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
