I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize