I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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