im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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