I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
