Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
