I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
