Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
