wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
