I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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