So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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