everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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