GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
