I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize