I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
