i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
