There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
