I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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