You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
