im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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