we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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