I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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