If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
