...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
