Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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