My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
