Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My dick has a subreddit
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
