If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
