Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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