I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
