everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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