I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize