i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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