My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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