I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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