I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I AM VODKA MAN
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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