Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
