I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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