Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
