Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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