i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
