Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
