So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
