when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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